Looking for the Brightside

Close-in support

2012-01-30T07:03:00.000-08:00

When you are in a fight and your main weapon goes down or is ineffective , you call for support. It could be the nerd in the basement, but it has to be someone with a bigger gun that can rain hate and death on your enemy.

If only life were that simple.

How do you deal with supporting a girl friend, who is stubborn to a fault, dealing with people you have never met, and trying to keep her child out of harms way? "No quarter asked, none given", is not going to work here.

Jealousy, fear, attachment. Those are the things that make lawyers rich. We fear lose or change, so much that instead of remembering the end goal of happiness. We focus on winning, having our way at all cost.

There are no winners in a gunfight, only survivors. Sometimes the best support is to step back and just breath.

Moving Water

2012-01-25T21:01:00.000-08:00

When you do things from your soul,

you feel a river moving in you,

a joy.

When actions come from another section,

the feeling disappears

Don't let others lead you

They may be blind or, worse, vultures.

Reach for the rope of God

And what is that?

Putting aside self-will.

Because of willfulness people sit in jail,

the trapped bird's wings are tied,

fish sizzle in the skillet.

The anger of police is willfulness.

You've seen a magistrate inflict visible punishment

Now see the invisible.

If you could leave your selfishness,

you would see how you've been torturing your soul

We are born and live inside black water in a well.

How could we know what an open field of sunlight is?

Don't insist on going where you think you want to go

Ask the way to the spring.

Your living pieces will form a harmony.

There is a moving palace that floats in the air

with balconies and clear water flowing through,

infinity everywhere, yet contained under a single tent.

Jelalludin Rumi. Translated by Coleman Barks.

Today

2012-01-22T06:17:00.000-08:00

Is all I can promise, because it is all I have.

She gives me hope and lets me be myself, free.

There are changes coming that will test us all.

The will to survive is the most important tool in your bag of tricks. It will get you through when everything else says "you should be dead."

Sweet Mercy

2012-01-17T15:03:00.000-08:00

The alarm went off.

It ended me laying, here missing her and listening to the sounds of people taking each other for granted.
I never want to be taken for granted again. I am a prize and should always be a challenge.

I must remember to comment on the little things and strive to fulfill the little things. To this one who doesn't want birthday or Christmas gifts. Who thrills me with talk of Gardens and solar water heaters.

Now I am off to work to ease the misery of missing her. To occupy my mind with the pseudo emergencies that will fill my night.

To be patient with her is her only request. "As you wish" my reply. Yeah you just vomited a little in your mouth.

Paper boats

2012-01-16T23:02:00.000-08:00

A white stack of papers with a rock placed neatly on top. It keeps the wind from blowing them away.
But away is where they are going, but not at this moment. First there is the ritual of folding. Each crease is brought to as close a razor edge as paper can come. There is no room for error, as the admiral builds his fleet.
Every member of the flotilla adds to the glorious array of little white boats set in rank and file on the shore. Each crewed by the best trained seamen, lead by fearless officers, and awaiting its launch into glory, to fight for flag and country.
A creek gently cascades down its course, rushing to be reunited with the sea. The admiral is content with is preparations and launches the first salvo. The first tentatively place in the water and released, then another, and another, each launch more careless than the last. Mass attack, overwhelm the enemy is the rule of the day. The crumpled carcasses that litter the bottom of the stream are acceptable causalities in the quest for victory.
Finally the last is launched, off to glory, off to the sea. Will they make it, will they succeed. “Dinner, dinner” is being called from not so far away. The war, the flotilla is quickly forgotten.

Answer the Roll Call

2012-01-15T22:37:00.001-08:00

The American Preppers Network is conducting a Network-Wide Roll Call and giving away
Several Prizes! All Preppers, please respond to the following link and reply to the Roll Call.

http://americanpreppersnetwork.net/viewtopic.php?f=606&t=17742

let me go

2012-01-13T06:51:00.000-08:00

Cake Let Me Go Lyrics

When she walks she swings her arms
Instead of her hips
When she talks she moves her mouth
Instead of her lips
And I've waited for her for so long
I have waited for her for so long
I've wondered if I could hang on
I wonder if I could hang on
Let me go she said
Let me go she said
Let me go and I will want you more
Let me go, let me go
Let me go and I will want you
When she wants, she wants the sun
Instead of the moon
When she sees, she sees the stars
Inside of her room
And I've waited for her for so long
I have waited for her for so long
I've wondered if I could hang on
I wonder if I could hang on
Let me go she said
Let me go she said
Let me go and I will want you more
Let me go she said let me go
Let me go and I will want you
Let me go she said
Let me go she said
Let me go she said let me go
Let me go she said
Let me go let me go
Let me go let me go
Let me go let me go
Let let me go...
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/c/cake/let+me+go_20026678.html ]

Tears

2012-01-12T21:08:00.000-08:00

They can be so beautiful.
When they are given by a strong person.
In a moment of intimate vulnerability.

They can be for joy at understanding you have found home.
In the friends that allow you to be you and encourage you to be the better person.
Even when that person is not "normal".

They are what make us human.
The meaning is not in the salty water,
but in the mind of the giver and receiver.

We never cry alone.

10 Simple Rules for Kink

2012-01-12T13:01:00.000-08:00

This may be my opinion, but if everyone followed a few simple rules with Kink we'd all get along just fine and the world would be a safer, happier place.

1) Knowledge is Power!

- Education is key with kink! There are millions of techniques to learn, practice and master. How deeply can you study Physiology and Psychology for kink? How about social skills within the different subcultures? Knowing is half the battle people! Never stop learning. Especially about yourself!

2) Knowledge isn't Power Over Others!

- None of us knows everything; It isn't possible. Other people may know something you don't. Get over it! Sometimes the newbie has a skill that the Master doesn't, and most certainly the Master knows many things that the n00b should sit down, shut up, and listen to. If you start to lord your knowledge over people, they will resent you, no matter what level of awesome you have attained.

3) Practice Humility

- We know you are the All Powerful Master Blaster of the Flogging Triad. You don't need to shout it. If you're awesome, everyone will figure it out by seeing your actions. The world has enough Instant Dom(me) (Just add flogger!) to jade our opinions of everyone who must proclaim their worth. Know your strength internally and be humble, and you will gain far more respect from everyone over the age of 18. You might also learn something about yourself.

4) Exercise Doubt

- If you aren't 100% sure that you have mastered a skill, you haven't. That's ok too. Keep practising. If you feel you have mastered a skill, doubt it a little and ask some knowledgeable people to confirm it. Not knowing something or missing something is not the end of the world. I agree with the statement that the man who can confidently say "I don't know." is likely a wise man. And if you don't know something... see rule #1. The only caveat with this is to retain your self-confidence. If you only doubt, you'll break yourself as surely as if you only have confidence you'll overstep yourself. Rule #3 will help you here.

5) Practice Integrity

- This one can be hard. Doing everything you say you will, when you say you will, and always being honest? A tall order. So practice. Do everything you can to keep your word. Apologize when you can't. Eventually you will get there. Being genuine like this, even if you can do it for a day at a time, will be a wonderful experience for everyone.

6) Give Respect

- Give it to everyone... Even Lord Domly Pants (I love that saying!). Being polite and respectful even if you can't stand someone is a wonderful skill to have. You don't have to pretend they're your best friend. Do not be anything but genuine. Saying hi and moving on will not kill you, no matter how much you want to stab that idiot in the eye with a fork. Believe it or not, this quashes a lot of drama by itself.

7) Be Forthright

- This goes for everything that must be said: Your wants/needs in a negotiation, What you are looking for in a partner, Where you are at in life, What your experience level is, What skills you have, etc. Hiding anything from your partners, or yourself, will get you in shit. This also goes for the times you feel you absolutely must break rule #6. If you can't avoid telling someone how much they bother you, do it as politely as possible to their face. None of this passive aggressive reputation assaulting behind someone's back. That's bullshit and you know it. Grow a pair or STFU.
THIS EXTENDS TO THE INTERNET! If someone writes something you don't like, don't sit there and flame them like you know better. No. Start a private discussion with them and debate your points like a logical and intelligent human being. Whether or not they're at the same point doesn't matter. There are a million people out there thanking you silently for not causing more bullshit drama.

8) Learn Forgiveness

- This is one hell of a skill guys! Your Dom fucks up and accidentally bruises you? Do your best to forgive him and put it behind you. Your subby calls you a name and hurts your feelings? Forgive them and put it behind you. You gained an extra 20lbs over the holidays and stopped going to your gym plan out of laziness? Forgive yourself your mistakes, make a new (realistic) plan, move on with life. You decide you really dislike the Great and Powerful Rope Master Tom, get into a fistfight that spills into the street, break each others noses, get arrested, spend the night in jail, and get shit from your spouse over it? It'll be hard, but you can still let it go, forgive your spouse for yelling because they care about you, and get on with life. Obviously there are some things beyond forgiveness. You need to decide on those lines personally. You still need to move on afterwards.
Some things are easier to forgive than others as well. Take for example this piece of writing. If you think it's complete horse-shit and feel that inevitable urge to make inane posts... Let it go. And if you absolutely can't forgive me for having my own opinions, see rule #7.

9) Practice Introspection... Relentlessly

- This one frequently sucks. Ask yourself why you do what you do. Be honest and go as deep as you can. Learn what turns you on or off. Ask yourself why until you have an answer. Then ask again. Honest knowledge of self is one of the most important things in life. You'll find your limits and discover where you want to grow. You'll stop using kink to feel powerful or protected and transition into using it to push yourself beyond your hopes and dreams.

10) Always Try To Be Your Best

- You are not a doll. You are not a machine. You are not perfect. You will break these rules time and again. Do everything you can to recover from your slips, learn from them, and do your best. You started drama by accident? Own the mistake, quash or contain the drama, do better next time. You fucked up? Admit your mistake, stand for the consequences, and do better. Such is life.
You'll get there.
I promise.
I would also like to mention that while you are trying to be your best, you need to let others get to where they need to go by themselves. If they need help, they'll seek it out. Give advice when asked, and do what you can to help out, but don't tell other people what they need to do. You'll just get their back up over it.

This work is shared under the Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-NC-ND 3.0) License. You may share the work, unedited, for non-commercial purposes as long as a credit to the author and a link back to this original is included.

https://fetlife.com/users/444422/posts/876710
by Zemyn

Love

2012-01-02T07:44:00.001-08:00

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NLT

It is the greatest gift of the Spirit, but it is twisted and turned to cause guilt and bring manipulative control. It is used against us, until we grow to fear love and turn our hearts to no longer feel or accept it. What is so wrong with trying to be more like love?

Broken Roads

2012-01-01T19:43:00.000-08:00

So many potholes and side roads along the way, until one day you find someone who is a collection of all the little pieces of lovers along the way. The checklist is as complete as one can hope. At least the major pieces. In a word happy. My friends and family comment about the smile, yes smile.

So many times I have been fooled and like a fool I keep on hoping, because all we have is a fool's hope of finding happiness. I am tired of sticking my toes in the water and ready to jump in.

Detachment

2011-12-14T13:39:00.001-08:00

"Possessiveness in personal relationships acts like poison. When we try to monopolize the affections of our near and dear ones, when we try to run their lives according to our rules, we are striking at very root of our personal relationship. Therefore, it is necessary to cultivate detachment even to the people we love. Detachment does not mean indifference or lack of care and concern. It only means you stop attempting to control others, and avoid judging others on your own terms."-Blissful quotes

Behind ever law

2011-12-02T00:43:00.000-08:00

The president says there is a story. By allowing feeling and personal experience to be the basis of law we will institutionalize discrimination. Race was created and is still used to divide people.

For this reason I submit his view is flawed. Justice is blind and to reinforce that she is depicted as wearing a blindfold. Our founding documents state the limits of government and that we have the right to pursue, not a guaranty of attainment of, life, liberty, and happiness (property). The law should not take from the rights or property of one to give to another.

It is up to the jury to decide if the law was broken and further it is the role of the jury to decide if the law is applicable. Why else would it be a jury of your peers? We/they are to answer the question "What would a reasonable person have done in that situation?"

The current direction we are heading will have cameras on every building and a law or agency to regulate every facet of life. This is not slippery slope or crazy talk, look across the pond to the UK.

This country may not be a "christian" nation, but it was founded by adventures who had and wished to hand down the ability to fail or succeed on our own merits to us. The nannies gave us prohibition, the drug war, and involvement in two world wars. How many millions have died and how much productivity stolen by them? How many more by their brothers in arm of Mao, Stalin, and Hitler.

I am not my brother's keeper by the force of violence, but by the generosity of my heart. Is my heart fair or just? No. But it is more fair and just than a bureaucrat 600 miles away making judgments based on a check-box form and a stack of rules that the people who wrote and voted for don't even understand.

Though, I may fear for my life, I fear more for my freedom. For what is life without freedom?

Compliments

2011-12-02T00:30:00.000-08:00

Examining my core values, has led to a lot of journal writing and working things out on paper. I mentioned to a girl that I was keeping a journal and she commented on my bravery. To be able to put down what you felt and have it stare at you in cold black and white.

So I have been putting more of those thoughts here. Some of them may hurt people or cause them to deny that reflection of themselves they see in me, but I put them here for me.

Affirmation of the day.
I will worry less about how emotional detached someone thinks I am and be more worried about being with people who deserve to share in my emotions. Being a little narcissistic is not a bad thing.

Life is pain

2011-12-01T23:56:00.000-08:00

"Honesty is the best policy" said my fourth grade teacher. The next sound was the paddle for cheating on a spelling test. Really, I had just used the resources at hand to solve a problem.

1) I learned that cheating wasn't the problem, it was getting caught.
2) I could take my punishment when I got caught.

I have learned that appearing to be honest is the best policy. It gives you the trust of those around you and the flexibility to deal with the situation at hand.

Most people don't want honesty they want approval. They will shop through people until they find someone with an opinion they find acceptable. I can hear it now why so negative?

 TI have

I have failed to find peace and happiness with two wonderful monogamous LTRs. I would be insane to try for a third. I can't keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different result each time. I had to change my outlook to suit my reality.

I can't promise you forever, because it is not mine to give. I don't want to lie, so don't demand or ask me to be a liar.

Confidence and The Dangers of Going All In.

2011-11-28T14:43:00.000-08:00

We are told confidence is what a woman seeks in a mate. To be the knight of their dreams and take charge, with sword and shield in hand. Fearless when facing overwhelming odds. Never allowed a gap in the armor or to fall and not rise up.

The string that holds all that together is still just a man. If you are going to stand behind me then don't slip your dagger between the plates that protect the soft flesh within. Only because I have let you in close to see the frailty that lies within.

The song that lies on your lips with promises of my hands on our hips. "Be prefect and immortal" you say to me, "rope the moon and swing down from the stars. Love only me and forget your scars."

You and only you know how to rub that most tender flesh, the scars that you have placed on my breast laid bare before you, then you mock my weakness where none can see that which you really are.

As open to another as completly I will never be, guarded from the pain you inflecting on me. Like a brave soldier crying his last tear to his mother and God when all other hope is gone.

With lies on your lips, about my hands on your hips. Tasting your sweet, posionous lips.

After you I had only one hope. Tear me down, that is what I did. On what bones do my foundation lie?

Now I listen to sad songs that make me feel better to be alone.

Where can my confidence be reborn? What can I do to regain my throne or is it better to just walk alone to never know the disappointment of misplaced trust? How do I reopen this scared up heart?

Asking these question before I met you would have been the best thing to do. Knowledge gained but not to late. I still have pages to write in this book know as my fate.

Where do you start?

2011-11-28T14:05:00.000-08:00

A line in the sand drawn as it runs thru my hands

My boundaries are here or are they there

When I am with you they turn again

Building springtime castles of snow

unstable with a foundation of sand

Working on you, is not the same as working on me

Learning lessons that never come to late.

Able and willing don’t share the same fate
An open heart is the new place to start

Some pain fades with time

Don't make me choose.

2011-11-26T20:54:00.000-08:00

If you ever hear a woman say, " Don't make me choose between you and my family (or family member)". She already has and you my friend have lost. When she prizes your opinion and relationship the most she will not even consider choosing, she will just go with you, even if you are wrong.

I believe this attitude will lead her to place her children above your relationship. This will be your admission to divorce and slaving for kids that she will turn against you. This thought was crystallized after reading this post http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/loving-husband-more-kids-key-good-life-181900983.html.

Where it says "Perel believes that there's a badge of honor among American women to not prioritize yourself or your marriage: It's all about the children. Without realizing it, she said, women can end up getting their emotional intimacy and physical satisfaction from their children, instead of their partners, said Perel. They give their babies tons of wonderful affection -- and then don't have anything left over for their spouse. The marriage can become an afterthought."

This narcissistic pseudo sacrifice is an attempt to show the world how much they have suffered for love. Often this is accompanied by "No one understands how much I work or give up to make everyone else happy." Red Flag.

The same thing applies to parents or sibling relationships. When she is willing to put a secondary relationship, before her primary relationship. Then her affection is focused more on that relationship than the relationship that should provide her long lasting satisfaction. Red Flag.

This chick is not balanced and needs a constant stream of positive affirmation to be self-actualized. You can set yourself on this highway of pain or you can take the next exit. Yes, the one in that corn field, because:
1) There are plenty of fish in the sea.
2) Adjusted women know where to sacrifice and where to plant their seeds of affection
3) You never know where love will find you, but if you are able to heal from past hurts you will be ready to receive it, when you do.

As my brother says "There are many choices, but they all have consequences." When she chooses some other relationship over yours, you need to decided if it is time to bail or not. It might be something she said in frustration, but you should never be put in the situation to have to repent for repeating things she has said.

Never go into a bar or a relationship without an exit plan.

Lift him up

2011-11-24T15:31:00.000-08:00

When a man has got the blues and feels discouraged
And has nothing else but trouble all his life
But he's just an honest man like any other
Living in a world that's tearing at his mind
If he's sick and tired of life and takes to drinking
Do not pass him by don't greet him with a frown
Do not fail to lend your hand and try to help him
Always lift him up and never knock him down

If he stays out late at night because he's troubled
Or because his home is not what it should be
Have a smile for him wherever you might meet him
It will help him find the right way don't you see
If he gambles when he's in the town or city
Tell him what he ought to do to win the round
Do not fail to lend your hand to show him pity
Always lift him up and never knock him down

If he has no friends and everything's against him
If he's failed in everything he has tried
Try to lift his load and help him bear his burden
Let him know that you are walking by his side
If he feels that all is lost and he has fallen
Help to place this poor man's feet on solid ground
And when this world has turned its back against him
Always lift him up and never knock him down

Song of the Old Rake

2011-11-20T20:20:00.000-08:00

Love Is...

2011-11-18T22:40:00.000-08:00

Love.
Can never be.
Permanent.

For a smile,
And a kiss,
One day.
Become.
A tear,
And a goodbye,
The next.

So.
A passionate embrace.
A few stolen kisses.
Means more.
To me.
Than a thousand nights.
Of 'Marital Bliss'.

For.
Love is not eternal.
It is here and now.
In spoken words.
Whispered lies.
'Forever' embraces.

It is never between two.
But between one and many.
Though different people.
At different times.
It is still love.
A feeling of want.
Of needing.
Of care.
Something everyone should share.
All the time!
Altogether.
Forever.
Now.

Not waiting around.
For one true love.
For they will never be found.

Published in Poetry Now Eastern Regional Anthology 1993, edited by Pat Wilson Poetry Now, Peterborough (1993)

Taking it to heart.

2011-11-18T22:33:00.000-08:00

I spent a few hours this evening celebrating my brother's birthday in the fashion which best suits us, as a matter of fact we would both celebrate every "holiday" the exact same way. We cooked up some boudin, we made a few days ago. We talked as the fire burned and the TV was on in the back ground. I fell asleep on the couch and awoke to him sleeping in the recliner. I couldn't think of a more perfect way to celebrate a birthday with someone I love and trust.

My best birthday gift.

2011-11-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

It was under a clear Carolina blue sky. The air was crisp and her nipples were a soft pink and erect. We were on a blanket in her back yard. It was so great to watch her ride me with her red hair and pale, delicate skin lit from behind by the sun.

I still close my eyes and see it. I can still smell and taste her. The feel of her smooth skin beneath my hand. So in love was I, but not her. She was a bird I knew I would have to let fly away. We had nothing of a real relationship. That made us so free that everything else just melted away, except that tenuous bond between us.

I have not felt that alive in so many years. Will I ever again?

Dear 99%ers,

2011-11-06T09:22:00.000-08:00

Please occupy a job that will pay the bills that you have incurred. If you are considering college please occupy a job that will pay for school while you get an education. Most of you will not finish a bachelors degree in four years, nor will you be able to find a job using what you majored in. So what is the rush?

If your job is not paying you enough money. Get another job, open a small business, or just spend less money than you make. In short live a lifestyle that cost less than you can afford.

I understand your expectations are not being met, but those are your expectations. Mine is to keep that which I have worked and make sacrifices to have. If you use the government's gun to rob me your are still just a low life criminal.

Thanks

Hope

2011-11-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

I saw it last night. Its beautiful, uncrushed innocence pushing through the snow.

It warmed this cold heart a few degrees. Maybe, just maybe I will feel again.

Stolen from Facebook.

2011-10-27T12:33:00.001-07:00

But my heart told my head ...

2011-10-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

"Winter Winds"

As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

We'll be washed and buried one day my girl
And the time we were given will be left for the world
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
Yes, my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved
Was the same that sent me into your arms
Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone
And no hope, no hope will overcome

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?

2011-10-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

Crossing the street

2011-10-06T20:24:00.001-07:00

I still love the people I have loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them. -Uma Thurman

Moved

2011-10-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

Tonight I saw that more than misery can be created by a group of people. I got to watch Cirque du Soleil perform with a live orchestra. The night was full of grace, beauty, and talent.

Money can't buy you happiness...

2011-09-27T14:43:00.001-07:00

but it buys you freedom.

The first rule of fight club is...

2011-09-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

don't talk about fight club, BULLSHIT.

The first rule of fight club is to tell any authority to stick it up their ass, when you are passionate about something.

Nursing School

2011-09-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

The people I started nursing school with are graduating and moving on to better paying jobs. Makes me wonder what our life would have been like with better communication.
Enough time spent looking back.

Got mom, sister, and aunt to agree to go to a preparedness class at an LDS church. Who knows maybe I will get them into a cannery and clear out some clutter in the house to put in some food storage.
After I getthis part of life squared away I will be free to pursue other things.

It would be nice to meet this guy.

2011-09-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

Dry Tinder

2011-08-31T22:11:00.000-07:00

It doesn't matter how you make the spark that brings the heat. What matters is the preparation before that spark is made. If I don't know how to make a nest of dry, airy tender to catch that spark then my fire is doomed. Once the spark is nestled it must be gently caressed into a flame. Brought to the kindling so that the warmth can be felt by the larger pieces of wood and they are in turn brought into the world of this self consuming event.

This idea made sense on the deeper level when I was reflecting on the day spent helping teach primitive fire starting. How that delicate spark of life, hope, or love flickers looking for a nice bed of dry tender to spread itself and be consumed in the change it has made. The heat seeks more fuel and oxygen to burn. If you haven't prepared yourself to have the things you want then you will never have them, further you must reach outside yourself to search for the fuel and oxygen to sustain that original spark and let it grow.

Nothing is a bigger bucket of water on that fire than projecting your expectations on to someone else.

It is sad to see Borders closing, but I got some great books at some really good prices and didn't have to wait for them to be shipped. While I was there two individual stood out to me. One was a very attractive and attentive young lady working, and the other an obnoxious man who was loud and impatient.

The young lady was taking the time to try and keep the books in some order. The more cynical me would have called arranging chairs on the Titanic, but her ability to not give up in a hopeless situation was inspiring. She told me about how she applied for every job she could the day she heard they where going out of business and had found another job to cover for the loss of her current one. No doubt her work ethic is being rewarded.

The gentleman for lack of a better term was constantly looking to see who was paying attention to his antics and kudos to the store manager for not call the police. I reflected on how the daily grind of dealing with ungrateful "entitled" people had worn me down over the last few days. So I can own not always being "the nicest person in the ER" and it is okay because most of the time I am.

The Brightside is, I truly delight in teaching someone who wants to learn and reaching out to someone who needs comfort. My dark humor and cynicism is a only a protective shell for my spark, so that life suckers can't steal it from me. Discerning who is worthy of seeing it shine and sharing in my warmth is my new goal. I also need to be a carefully prepared bundle of tinder so that my fire can be rekindled by a new spark

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." - Helen Keller

Cleaning out my closet

2011-08-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

I am on a break from dating for the next few months. Most of the women I had been seeing, where well... not my ideal. There are some that are really trying to improve their lives and making steps in that direction. I guess I am just tired of dealing with crazy. Because I realized I was only dating the reflection I was seeing of me. I was not fully facing what I needed to do to make me whole.

The sad part about me and T was that we could have sat down and had a adult conversation about us growing apart, as opposed to me being distant and having hear the "I want to try to be independent" excuse. Blame that on my passive aggressiveness. Things felt like they where coming apart the summer before she made up her mind. I had resolved to try and get that spark back, but I failed.

I knew I was in trouble when she said "You and he are a lot alike", when she told me about Cowboy. I agree except he didn't have as much relationship baggage and is tall, dark, and handsome from a "traditional" family. He is a nice guy and I hope they have a happy and productive life together. Maybe one day we can all sit down as friends.

Anyway, I follow my ex's blog see what things I need to replace and read her research on different items she is buying. While, there I see so many things that are a growth out of things we did together. It makes me smile to see the positive impact our time together has had on our lives. Thank you for the time and places we went, you helped me see what I want and can have in life. I do miss the times when you were my best friend.

One of the things that I kept hearing in my head was about prepping. She basically told me that preparing for life as we know it to end and never come back was depressing. I should make it fun. I brought that to my brother and he as usual helped put things in perspective.

I am no longer preparing for TEOTWAWKI.

I am trying to bring back the ways Great Grandma did things, because it saves money and is healthier. I have tried this approach with different sets of my friends and family and it is easier for them to swallow. They can have fun getting prepared and remember the laughs and stories while they make use of the things we made together. It also is a nice intro to talking about reasons to deepen the larder and to invest in commodities that you can keep around the house where inflation will not devalue them.

The bright side is I can forgive myself for wasting my time trying to figure out why things changed and for looking at the world as a place of limited supply and not limitless opportunity. Everyday I meet wonderful, beautiful people with whom I can share my life and love. I don't need one to make me complete I need a community of family and friends. The trouble that is coming will not be sorted out by a handful of people valiantly making a last stand, but by a community of adaptable people working together to make life better.

Happily Ever After.....

2011-08-22T20:34:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "NO !!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after. He rode motorcycles, hunted, fished, raced cars, and dated women half his age. He never had to hear bitching, nor pay child support or alimony. He got to keep his house and guns. He ate beans blew enormous farts and left the toilet seat up.

All his friends and family thought he was cool as hell.

Derry Bowden

Put down the ice cream and step away from the computer.

2011-08-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

This week I have had several revelations:

I don't mind the idea of having kids, I mind the idea of someone using them as a weapon against me.

I don't have my shit together.

I don't feel as though I should reward myself. So I don't do things that make me happy, and I don't sacrifices to reach goals, because I don't reward myself for reaching those goals. The immediate pay off in a bowl of ice cream is a surer thing than letting some lucky girl get a peak at my six pack abs.

The women I have been dating lately are like that bowl of ice cream. A short term sweet reward that leaves me feeling empty and farther away from my goal.

I need to learn to be better to myself and allow myself to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

When I think of missing her, it is hard to see her face or remember the way she smelt, tasted, or felt. The feeling of being free to do as I wished with a willing partner in crime is what I remember.

I, like so many other people, have lost the connection with friends, the immediate feed back up-to-date fueled Facebook world has left me lacking. Sitting on the front porch with a friend and talking is, well just bliss.

Getting back to basics is really about getting back to yourself. The world is full color, not shades of gray, and certainly not black and white.

Now to find the way to forgive the person in my life who deserves it the most and to get out of his way so he can find his way. Allowing myself to have what I want because I have earned it is not stupid or greedy it is what makes me a better person.

From a friend

2011-07-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

When I think of getting married, I just go out and buy a house then find a strange woman and give it to her.

Eddie Vedder - Rise

2011-07-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow

Gonna rise up
Burning back holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
And suddenly swallowed by signs
Low and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole

Butterflies

2011-07-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

You almost had your hooks in me, didn't you dear
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar bound, hypnotized, sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly, and butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye-bye

Sir Elton John

Life ain't always beautiful

2011-07-23T21:15:00.001-07:00

"you would still be in the planning stage"

2011-06-15T04:49:00.000-07:00

"If it isn’t broken don't fix it”, should have been my reply.
Certain people in my life complain/ complained that I spent to much time planning and not enough time doing. I will tend to agree, but they also rush into things lead to a poor result. When I am doing a project that the results will be around for a while I like to do it right once. And sometimes I am just waiting to see how not to do it.

Why is it that when family is coming to visit some people tend to feel as though they need to do something major around the house before that person gets there? They are family, if they don't except you for who you are. Then why are you rushing into a project whose results you are going to have to live with for years or tear something out to fix the problem.

So experts in my life instead of ignoring what concerns me and complaining that I am over planning or being to negative, help me plan or be ready to come back and fix what got forgot in the mad rush. Then I won’t have to spend so much time listening to you complain about how good I am at saying "See I told you that would happen."

Watching a man talk

2011-06-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched a pony demonstration by a man. A real life honest to God doesn't give a shit want disinters think man. He said what pleased him, touched what pleased him, and treated them the way that pleased him. No PC, pansy ass bullshit.

Each word, movement, and action was deliberate. He did not react, but responded with a quickness. He knew that what he did pleased his sub, because it pleased him. The pony looking for someone to lead, any one to lead.

It is good to find a role model.

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana" -possibly Groucho Marx

2011-06-07T06:39:00.001-07:00

Writing a letter and heading for the beach

2011-06-07T06:14:00.000-07:00

And it might take some time
To patch me up inside
But I can't take it so
I run away and hide
I might find it in time
That you were always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
Was it what you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted?

But It's not so bad..
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

Matthew B. Scannell

Bully v. Alpha male

2011-06-05T06:29:00.000-07:00

I read an article at askmen.com . Asking men (funny huh) to reflect on their behaviour and decide if it was bullying or being alpha. The one attribute that, to me, differentiated the two was their relationship with the pack.

Alpha's support and care for their packs.
Bully's support and care for their self-image.

SO I was with K taking her to buy groceries. She and the cashier were talking while I was reading the headlines of the tabloids and flirting with the girl bagging groceries. I heard "working out" come up and noticed two slices of pie had come across the scanner.

I think I was stunned and didn't really know what to say. So I just stood there, While she said something about working out a lot. I could tell later she was upset. But it wasn't until after I good nights sleep that the pieces came together.

Responding to things based on past experience is another alpha trait. So when faced with this again I have decided that I will come to the aid of my pack. I am writing it here to make it part of my searchable memory without dwelling on it.

i.e. I could have told the cashier that she was doing well and losing the weight in a time frame and manner that was healthy for her. Further, that people need rewards for meeting short term goals as well as long term goals. This would allow me not hurt feelings and be supportive of my pack. A bully would berate the young cashier, but that would only serve to make him feel better about his self image and not be really protecting or supportive.

You never know when that protection extended, may add another to your pack of friends.

Welcome to Florida

2011-05-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

That is what my sinuses have said to me. How many months will this inability to smell continue?

Today I can't even smell gasoline. I have had enough and am ready to throw in the snot rag.

From a friends facebook page

2011-05-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

Remember the 3 F's,

if your not fucking me, feeding me, or financing me,

your opinions really don't matter!!

A special song for a special couple near a special time for them

2011-05-16T17:55:00.000-07:00

Yes. You left yourself signed into your email account. I saw your email to him, I saw the song you sent to him.

Compassion

2011-05-16T17:45:00.001-07:00

One of my girls has decided that I should be more compassionate. I agree, because it will most likely get me more young tail. So I have starting focusing on appearing more compassionate.

I relealized

2011-04-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

the girls I seemed to be very attracted to are based on a crush from the 7th grade. What a poor time to decide what kind of women you like? So I will have to examine this further.

To all those AFC's out there

2011-04-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

So true, yet we hold the key to our on salvation.

be sound

The word for today is Flake

2011-04-09T20:52:00.001-07:00

noun. A person who promises to meet you and doesn't show or calls at the last minute with an excuse.

Love Bites

2011-04-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

Friends would you like to be friends.

2011-04-02T23:50:00.000-07:00

Let the list grow longer. I need people to interact with while I learn to be myself.

To have friends, you must be a friend.

I apologize to the people I have projected on to and expected more for you should have to give. I forgive myself for the passive-aggressive reactions I have. I promise myself to learn a healthier way of being.

Honesty is no excuse to hurt someone, but it helps you to learn to stand up for yourself.

The most dangerous three letterword is:

2011-04-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

YES.
The most magical words is: no.

Be beyond control or understanding.

Don't get rattled by set backs, learn from your mistakes.

A good woman, who can find her? Her price is beyond pearls.

2011-03-31T22:27:00.000-07:00

While you are all out playing tricks on each other I was in School. A cute little Burnett that is to fresh from a break up and to unsure of what she wants to give me a straight answer. Yes, the hunt is on. This is no fool's mate, this is a full on one-itis inducing woman.

I feel alive like I haven't in years.

She is making me work for this and making me relearn the lessons and rules that I had given up for "love". The blue balls suck, the mental game is getting sharper at every turn. I am breaking every rule and reeling her back in. She really seems to enjoy the honesty, though as usual I fuck it up by talking to much. Less talking more kino. Sadly, she will have to be cured soon. I will keep seeing her, but I need to cure my one-itis or I will just put her pussy on a pedestal. I told her I was planning to use her as a wing tonight. Time to take my cure: FTOW.

I can't wait around for her to makeup her mind.
1) I am a shark and will drowned it I don't keep moving.
2) She will keep me waiting around until the cows come home.
3) There is plenty of pussy out there.

Next must make list of her faults and get her out as my wing.

The evil scientist is back in the lab, bitches.

Embracing the suck

2011-03-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

The charge nurse made a 10 minute speech about this crazy chick who came into work the other night that they had to commit for psych reasons. She went on about he bad shit that had happened in the woman's life, totally interrupting my lunch break with her sermon on the mount.

Anyways, I read a patch on a friend's FB page who is in a very sandy, hot place. It said "embrace the suck." It means to just shut the fuck up and do what ever pointless thing that needs to be done. We all have had bad shit happen to us, life is for the most part wonderful, but their are still parts that just suck. It is what we do with the suck that matters, we can run and hide from life, or use it as a stepping stone to move us higher in our development.

I am proud of that friend because he is over there for his own reasons, not because he has been ordered to do it by people who will shot him or throw him in jail if he doesn't. I feel sorry for those guys over there that have been deluded into thinking patriotism is going half way around the world to die for the American way, when really it is a bunch of old men just trying to maintain the status quo.

They may call you a mercenary or a contractor, but I call you a man among men. Live to spend it, brother.

pain

2011-03-22T22:13:00.000-07:00

Attachment is the beginning of pain.
The fear of rejection has caused the awful sting of regret to inflect greater harm than the rejection would have caused.

Life must be lived from within, we are socialized to believe that the greatest force in the universe is altruistic sacrifice. That only leaves us a hollow empty shell being blown around by the whim of those around us who are only serving themselves.
So are we to be selfish like those takers? No! We are to be a full people with the understanding that happiness and satisfaction can only be given when we have ample stores of those beautiful items.

We often have the rug pulled from under us by people we are suppose to be able to trust. Those that love us are the ones that truly can hurt us, so we close up and seal off that spring of joy and happiness that should be flowing freely to give life to the world around us. The divine within is smothered and is chocked off by our desire to protect ourselves.

Why is it so joyful to watch children play? They haven't sealed off the joy and pure happiness. They live life without an attachment to the world. Those people who we call names and question their sanity are only living life on their own terms, the terms we wish we had the inner power with which to live by our own terms.

It is better to have tried and failed, picked yourself up and tried again, than to just lay down and die from the thousand cuts of fearing rejection.

Be Sound

I'm Still Here - Pearl Jam - Eddie Vedder

2011-03-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

In a dream

2011-03-10T21:51:00.000-08:00

it came to me that I had not let her know how I felt about her and that is why someone else could steal her away. It felt bad that I had screwed up and lost the affection of a beautiful, smart girl.

Then I came to understand that it was not my fault that she needed constant validation and required so much maintenance. It was a reflection of her character that she couldn't accept that me working, taking a full load of classes, would somehow not cut into the "our" time and activities.

It was her right to go and get that fulfillment, but I wonder how things would be with a woman that was right for me and not one that would just take the "easier" path to her happiness. On the bright-side at least I can dream that someone like that does exist.

... some times the right thing is walking away...

2011-02-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

Moms and Marx

2011-02-01T05:53:00.000-08:00

I was thinking of obsessions today, my Mom's is sex and Marx's was materialism.
Like Marx my Mom thinks the thing she is obsessed with is a bad thing. "How do I know they are obsessed with those things?" you may ask, because they talk about it all the time. Mom can't watch it on TV or talk about it without saying something negative, even though it is the thing that gave her the things she is most proud of and loves the most in the world.

Marx's thinks one person having more material things than another is bad because you are hording happiness. His writing say to me that we should share until everyone has the same amount of stuff without end or regard for our own desires and that to do otherwise is a personality fault.

Well Jesus said that too, but it is the way they seek to enforce that is different. Marx wants to use the coercive power of government and Jesus wants you to do it on your own. Obsession is where Marx and Mom are the same, but love and envy are what divides them. Carl was driven by envy and his wish to take away envy. Mom is driven by love.

Moms can give everything and more to their young because it is a two way street of exchange in a free market economy with few restrictions and in a commodity that has the weird property of being a catalyst and the more you make of it, the more there is to give. Mom wants to see her children succeed and grow she has given freely her body and time to see that end accomplished.

Mr. Marx is dealing in a consumable, rare commodity that only becomes more difficult to produces as consumption increases. The worst part of Mr. Marx's plan is that leads to the biggest creators and producers to do less because they are penalized, by the envy of those around them. Worse yet is the petty bureaucratic power mongers that hide behind the pretense of fairness to make a never ending maze of rules and regulations to redistribute that fairness.

He talks of the needs of others, but I know my needs only grow when someone else is paying the bill. I only need one, but if it is free then I will take two. Envy is like love in that it knows no bounds and changes from person to person, and like love it is a poor tool to use when making comparisons because it is biased.

What is worse is that many people confuse envy and love. That is a wish to hold on to something and keep it only for you is some great expression of love. Here is my simple rule to decide which emotion I am feeling: love wants to give and envy wants to take.

Governments take, a person gives. Maybe that is what the Army means by "An army of one".

Misery loves Company

2011-01-21T10:13:00.000-08:00

Last night in the ER I was wondering how it is going to be when we get the full dose of "healthcare reform". The hospital has no beds to put people, literally no stretchers. EMS doesn't stop and people keep piling through the door. "Hey if the kids need to be seen then go ahead and get checked out it helps to meet your out of pocket early this year"

Lesson one - you get what you incentivize.

Now part of this is flu season, but the bigger part is advertising. The hospital (who told us in orientation that their name can't be used on the Internet without express permission) decided to advertise their wait times on bill boards in the ED. Well at the time it was far shorter than those at the other hospital in town. So a few people decided to try it, then they told their friends, and their friends, until I think it might be quicker to be seen at the other hospital that is the "Trauma Center" for the region. (It sounds impressive, but there just aren't any large towns within 100 miles and a trauma center is mostly about OR staffing and paperwork.)

Lesson two - The only thing government can produce that will out pace demand is Misery and fiat money.

I blame advocates of Keynesianism for this problem. Here goes: The hospital I work for is privately held and in a state that has a certificate of need system (CON). We are being slaughtered in the ED, so that the hospital will stay packed. Then we they can apply to expand the hospital and point to the enormous wait times to get a room, that the hospital is over capacity at times and always a certain percentage full and this is why we need the CON to expand. They have factored in the number of people who will get pissed off and the number that will sue because the mistakes that will be made in a system trying to function in spite of being overwhelmed, overtime that will be paid, and hot wings from TGIF's to makes us think they care; as a cost of doing business to get the CON.

Stop and think before your heart bleeds all over your keyboard about evil corporations. A group of people picked by the government to maintain the status quo, gets to decide and set rules for getting a CON resulting in this "Devil's Algebra". If they could just build more beds and take care of sick people, I wouldn't need to be stressed, my patients wouldn't need to suffer, but the bill boards would still be used.

Lesson three -People are governed by greed and fear.

There was a guy who was giving the nurse a hard time about getting a procedure done. She asked for help. So the other night I was with my favorest sister-in-law was watching "Law and Order" where a new attorney had joined the group she said to deal with people you have to identify with their anger or hate, so I listened to the guy and figured it out. I used his anger about God to calm him down and get him to agree to have the procedure done.

Then I have to go back to dealing with "I crashed my bike a week ago", I'm dehydrated and don't have shit for veins, "how come this is taking so long", "I have been here for 8 hours", "no I'm allergic to ever pain killer except the one I really want" ......

Wait until 2014 when the party really starts, you my dear patients will have plenty more company and soon we will all be millionaires. Want another hot wing for change?

one and the same.

2011-01-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

I found myself thinking of Tyler Durden and Hank Rearden. Which path is better?

Both end up telling us that living your life according to the whim of others' (regardless of the history of those whims) makes you less than you could be. One seeks to bring it all back to zero to undo the story that man has a manifest destiny to march in to a bright new future of ever increasing growth and productivity. The other is actively bringing about that future by being a slave to all the things that are suppose to make our lives happy. But both in the end know that those things just don't last.

The effect is the same, "Inaction is still an action." We will have to pick a path or the path will pick us. So do we just stop feeding this dragon it's tail or do we cut it's tail off so that it will starve. Either way the dragon is going to die. I can't answer for you (or even for me) but, I only pray we have the power of our convictions when the day of testing comes.

Insanity

2011-01-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.

To All The Girls I Loved Before Willie Nelson & Julio Iglesias

2010-12-15T19:48:00.000-08:00

On why "all of it" is never enough.

2010-10-13T05:14:00.000-07:00

Enough
adjective - adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire.

pronoun - an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency.

adverb - in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently.

We are humans, there is never going to be enough. It doesn't matter if it is energy, space, or love. The top predators and survivors take advantage of every chance to use more, that is why they survive. An alligator in a pond does not rationalize how to maintain a descent stock of prey in the pond. It eats what it can, when it can, then when the pond is empty moves to the next pond. It either finds space to live or dies trying.

George Carlin, talks about how we aren't really about saving the planet, but only trying to maintain it in a narrow range so that we are protected. I hold this to be true and laugh at the notion of defender of the planet. It needs no defense, if life and the atmosphere were gone tomorrow the planet would still keep spinning around the sun on its journey to be burnt to a crisp. Everything temporal is destined to end.

Love is the same. We think "I will not be enough" or "It would hurt me if they felt love for another, because I don't have that much love." When I realized that I can not control someone else, then I can abandon the pain brought by things I can't control.

Being present where I am, loving as though I have never been hurt, and honoring my grief when that inevitable parting takes place. These allow me to rise above pain, anger, and hatred

When you remove the "I" from pain, then it is a pan. So cook up a big plate of forgiveness and find some people with whom you can share it.

Don't litter and be honest.

Open space

2010-10-12T20:44:00.000-07:00

My iPod has been chugging along without a synch for over ten months. I have been using "realplayer" to add songs so that I wouldn't lose Sudko and a couple of albums that where deauthorized. Well it wont play anything now, so I have to synch it to iTunes and start over again.

What have I lost? nothing. What have I gained? a new start.
I have space open to put new songs, I have new friends to replace my Sudko. The last filament to my old life severed itself, like the satisfying tug of the skin when a splinter is pulled out.

I am seeing birds and butterflies, that surely means that land is close.

Learn it, live it.

2010-09-16T13:21:00.000-07:00

‎1. Bring your own condoms, towel, and ho' bag. Extra underwear optional, but nice.

2. Buy some fresh ones you like this girl right. Check expiration date on the condom package, make sure it has air bubble inside, squeeze the packet make sure it didn't leak.

3. Use the condom, knuckle head.

4. Make sure it doesn"t come off.

5. After using the condom. Fill it with water to check for leaks or tears.

6. Deposit the contents in the toilet. Hold on to it and don't flush the condom. They will block up the pipes and have to be skimmed out at the waste treatment plant. Collect the condom and wrapper. Wrap in toilet paper. Place in Ho' bag if you feel TP is not enough barrier, then is the condom enough of a barrier.

7. If you take a shower use your own soap from your ho' bag. Do you really want to smell like cumber salad? Brush teeth, reapply deodorant.

8. When you leave her place. TAKE the condom WITH YOU, dispose of it in a secure manner. If you determine she is nuts or has a really bad case of baby rabies burning is not to extreme.

9. Never say; "I love you" or promise anything, to get sex. You will be held to it and you are extra stupid at those times.

10. Learn not to lie to yourself. Only after you are honest with yourself can you be honest with anyone else.

11. When you find one that can earn your trust and love, then you can relax. But until then protect yourself.

I have come to the conclusion

2010-09-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

The louder someone screams for honesty, the more they want a lie.
That most women don't want you, they want a dream supplied by corporate America to keep us all on a treadmill.

Is it better to:
get a vasectomy, then claim you want children.
say you want to be monogamous, then cheat on them.
when she can't get pregnant, blame her inadequacy.
Run off with her best friend.

Honesty is frustrating, because so few people try it.

Dont Give Up - Willie Nelson & Sinead O'Connor

2010-08-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

"I have only seen greatness standing on the shoulders of giants". Issac Newton

Times are tough and only heading further down that road. To think you have a partner only to have them betray you, strips you of what little faith you had left. Piled on top of the destructive change moving through the land you love

After spending years trying to warn people about what was coming only to have them dismiss you. You really want to give up hope and walk away from it all. But a quick look at the map will tell you there really is no place to go, "the last secret place is heavy with the scent of man... so ends living and begins survival."

This is the path to true love.

2010-08-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

2010-07-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen

What makes a human being?

2010-07-26T12:56:00.000-07:00

“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.” — Robert A. Heinlein

Living life to the fullest

2010-07-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

Freedom, truth, and love are bottomless pools that beckon us to drink freely. Abandon the illusion of being able to control others and embrace the bounty before you.

MIsdirected anger

2010-07-20T06:06:00.000-07:00

Keep your anger were it belongs.
iTunes,
I apologize. I do enjoy genius and just your randomness from time to time. You didn't deauthorize my computer and make my song catalog unplayable.

Tracy,
I know you will never read this, butt I am keeping the picture text. It will serve to remind me that most people just say they want honesty. They don't really mean it. Best of luck in your new job watch out for the people "gunning for you". If you change your mind, there is always room for another.

T,
I am sorry I changed to make you happy. I should have just taken you up on the short term/ threesome thing or let you walk away. I gave away my power that moment, but I learned the rest of what I needed to about love. I wasn't the one to say, "you knew I was a snake when you picked me up".

If I forgot to mention you don't worry I will come back and write something here or just drop a comment. I will keep it fairly anonymous. Just enough so you know I am talking to you.

Jealousy and anger are the ways of the dark side. So don't go there, be a libertarian. There is only so much control in the world, but truth, love, and freedom have no bottom.

Polyamory is so wrong because? True love is true suffering?

2010-07-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

Haven't laughed this hard in a long time
I better stop now before I start crying
Go off to sleep in the sunshine
I don't want to see the day when it's dying
She's a sight to see (sight to see)
She's good to me (good to me)
But I'm already somebody's baby
She's a pretty thing
And she knows everything
But I'm already somebody's baby
You don't deserve to be lonely
But those drugs you've got won't make you feel better
Pretty soon you'll find it's the only
Little part of your life you're keeping together
I'm nice to you
I could make it through
But you're already somebody's baby
I could make you smile
If you stayed a while
But how long will you stay with me, baby?
Because your candle burns too bright
Well I almost forgot it was twilight
Even if I think that you are right
Well I'm tired of being down, I got no fight
You're wonderful
And it's beautiful
But I'm already somebody's baby
And if I went with you
I'd disappoint you too
Well I'm already somebody's baby
Already somebody's baby

Twilight - Elliot Smith

When it rains it pours

2010-07-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

you can't always get what you want, but if you try, you just might find, you get what you need

Creep. The way it should be done.

2010-07-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Kermit.

I guess you will do

2010-07-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

Not Bitter, just enlightened.

The Garbage Truck Principle

2010-06-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

Frustration, anger, and disappointment fill some people like a garbage truck. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. Sometimes they will dump it on you. Don't take it personally, Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and dump it on other people.

Call me a pig if you must...

2010-06-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

Baby rabies. That is what my friend calls it.
The world population is 6,800,000,000. It is a pretty closed loop system. I mean energy comes in from the sun but we loose heat to space. A couple of good size rocks bring a little more minerals to the planet, but we send stuff up into space. We can only make so much waste before we start drowning in it.

With this in mind I don't understand the all consuming obsession with eggs going without fertilization. I talk with a nice, intelligent girl. The conversation gets to this subject and it is like they become a republicrat on a juicy talking point.

Logic and truth be damned. Eyes glaze over, picture(s) of the ring/ dress/ or prefect honeymoon spot come out. The mantra "I want a ring, my day, and someone with my mitochondrial DNA following me around, yesterday!!!!!" begins. There is no bringing them back until they decide to leave the highest tower of the castle.

We as a society just wrap selfishness and jealousy in a pretty bow and call it love. Media manipulates those feelings to sell us a dream of "happily ever after" fueled by consumer bliss.

To further enforce this system, we are trained to be jealous from an early age. No, you can only have one best friend, you can only take one toy to grandmas, vanilla or chocolate you can't have both. No one will ever love you like that little bundle of DNA that is covered in bio hazard and a pink and blue blanket.

Can't we apply a little logic to this subject. If we don't nature or our "betters" will find a cure for this virus. One child per family anyone.

Oink, oink. Carry on.

oh yeah!

2010-06-20T07:02:00.001-07:00

3 miles to store.
16 miles on bike through national forest to get there.
Clearing the spider webs off the trail.
what problems?

Symphony of Destruction

2010-06-19T08:32:00.000-07:00

You take a mortal man,
And put him in control
Watch him become a god,
Watch peoples heads a'roll

Megadeth
It is as if they are prophets.

Leaving on a jet plane

2010-06-10T23:07:00.000-07:00

So I have checked in, have my eticket, and am getting ready to head back to the blast furnace.

Home is where the heart is and mine is in Florida. A group of people who put the fun in dysfunctional.

I will miss the temperature and friends on the high plains.
Last few things to pack then off to the post office to mail some heavy stuff.

Placing my life in the government's hands and hoping for the best.

Look for good and you will find it.

2010-06-09T09:49:00.000-07:00

Why must I find that falling down
Brings my hopes high, oh so high?
Why must you cry when I fall down?
The truth is mine, only mine
Don't you know it's my foggy notion?
So please don't cry when I fall down
It helps me with the truth inside.

Foggy Notion sung by Melissa Auf Der Maur

Stolen from a friends journal

2010-06-09T08:18:00.000-07:00

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann-1927

Try to be more like the Elephant - Ever listening, remover of obstacles.

Thinking about "42" in the desert.

2010-06-07T11:49:00.000-07:00

The desert is a great place to be alone and think.

I thought I might meet a medicine man get invited to some rite of passage ceremony and get things in order. Don't believe that shit. Most of the natives I saw were pissed off at the world and standing behind a counter. They seemed just as lost and out of touch with nature as most of the white people.

What did I find?
A nice stretch of twisting highway, rally shifting, and looking at where you want to go. Look maw no brakes!!!!

Myself- the good, bad, and ugly. I have the answers inside me. I knew what to do all along and refused to listen to the truth that is so clear in my head. I need to stop looking at that which I wish to avoid.

It is okay to not know where you are and just be there. There is a number on each end of the dash for a reason.

Pizza is better with cheese and so are adventure parks. Life is 10% of what happens and 90% what you do with the 10%.

As I sit on the back porch, I am watching couples jog by with their baby strollers. I was told about you and cowboy. Congratulations, I hope it is everything you dream it will be. Don't forget to take the time to smell the flowers.

Be Sound.

Surrendering the Moral High Ground

2010-05-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms.Laura,
I have tried to be the bigger person, but I remembered that my blog isn't about trying to get free shit.

You like to act all Little House on the Prairie, but inside you are a cold selfish heartless bitch. You have tremendous control over your brand. That way you can manipulate people to do the dirty work for you so you come out the other side smelling like a rose.

People, to you, are like paper cups. When you have drained everything from them you wad them up and throw them away. I am sure you have been priming Kowboy with your burning need to get married and have babies ASAP. Then toss in a little old flame back in town Subtle hints of "I don't know how I feel". Bam! Ring time baby!! Oh boy! You get to change your passport before you head to Europe.

Your call for independent living was your easy way out. The tougher work of compromise and working to rebuild a relationship is beneath you. Plus you don't want a man that thinks for himself.

As I think of all the things I got rid of in a quest to "simplify" my life. Were all what you considered keepsakes of my marriage and children. The marriage you could work with, but I how dare I try to hold on to the little people I had raised, while denying your eggs were frying. That is okay because you have found a person that is more naive than you act.

He will be a great ball of clay to mold into what you want. One day he will wake up. One day he will see you as I see you. One day the old adage will poke its head through the sand. "If they run around with you, they will run around on you". I guess I should have waited until we both had our divorce papers in hand.

You clung to me until you found a more suitable host. You had your friends around you tell your side of the story. You denied them access to me or knew what buttons to push in front of them to get the desired reaction from me. Then you went to the gun class, your true colors showed through on that one. It came down to money. I worked around 30 more 12 hours shifts last year, I was in school full time and paying for it, and making half the bills at the house. And you have the gall to say I didn't pull my share or do enough things with you.

The icing on the cake was when I was looking at photos of our past trips. I found a hand full of photos of me. Damn I looked good before you started trying to mold me into the perfect sperm donor. I will get back to that and will be smarter to avoid that trap in the future.

I should have taken you up on the short term relationship and had a threesome with you. Watching you eat pussy would have been a great memory and I wouldn't be so far in debt. I hope, for your sake, Kowboy doesn't wake up before you get your baby rabies is cured.

A bounce to far...

2010-05-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

Really I thought it was love. The out of body experience kind. I had it looking across the half dead man at her. Maybe it was just his spirit getting away from her and running into me.

Either way I was tricked that night. Two souls full of hurt and anger over relationships gone wrong and time wasted. We tuned to the same frequency. She followed me to the next room and gave me a hug under my isolation gown.

If only I had know I was to be her cathartic lover. Her chance to get even with the husband who cheated on her, gave her no babies, and wasted her time.

Great(angry?)sex and trips to some cool places. That is how I will remember her.

Into the Memory Hole

2010-04-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth.

And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there?

Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission.

V

Remember November!

Feeling the fear.

2010-04-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

I spent the day with one of my great uncles. He had Johnny Cash ask him to tour with him, but he said no. He was afraid to get on stage and that people would judge him because of his weight. The life he has is good by anybody's standard, but he had allowed his fear to consume and control his life.

That said we only see reflections of ourselves when we look at others. Our family tends to reflect, more strongly than strangers, those things we really love or hate to see.

I saw the great treasures that he has, but he forgets or doesn't use something after he gets it. He can't find it again or it is buried where he can't see it in his own chaotic plan. Now I know I don't want to have my life controlled by my organization, however I can see where a system that suits me will make my life better lived.

Don't run from or bury under piles of stuff the things you fear.
Be Sound

On riding through loose sand.

2010-04-27T04:57:00.000-07:00

The other day I was riding in the national forest near the house. I saw a whole three people whilst out there. I was visited by quail, many lizards, and a pine snake that raced me along the trail.

Spring and rain bring so many pretty flowers that deserve a moment of study. I never had noticed the number of Yucca plants. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise every where else on this latitude that isn't surrounded by water is a desert.

The day was hot, dry, and dusty a prefect set of ingredients to make loose sand. The people that passed me were riding the trail anticlockwise, I came to find it is a sign you have chosen to work the trail from the hard side. Meaning steep climbs up mountains of loose sand and pine tree roots.

I realized my focus was where I didn't want to go and I had to make a conscious effort to look at where I wanted to go. As I forgot the things I wished to avoid there was less riding the brakes and more pushing and pulling the pedals. It was as if I rose above the obstacles and flew. The hill wasn't as steep, the sand firmer, and in-spite of myself I smiled.

Amazing how we find what we need when we stop looking for it.

Leaving it "far behind"

2010-04-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

Why sleep
in discontent?
Oh the price
of companionship

My shadow runs with me
underneath the Big Wide Sun
My shadow comes with me
as we leave it all
we leave it all Far Behind

Empty pockets will
Allow a greater
Sense of wealth

Why contain yourself
Like any other
Book on the shelf

Eddie Vedder

I wanna make you close your eyes

2010-03-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

Understanding the Wicked Witch.

2010-03-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so.
Somethings I cannot change, but until I try. I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.
Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner die defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye.
I'm defying gravity and you can't pull me down.

Defying Gravity, Wicked sound track.

On wearing bonnets whilst running through fields of daisies.

2010-03-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

My family went to watch my niece do a "back hand spring" in a cheer-leading competition and to an amusement park. They took first place and I for a while forgot about the world crumbling around us and preparing. I was enveloped in family and support. It was refreshing to not feel alone and just know things would be better whatever happened.

The reason I ran afoul was school. I was working and studying to be able to do something I did not love and the sacrifices not worth the gain that could have been realized. This is a major set back socially and financially.

This exposed flaw in my previous logic unraveled my relationship. Now I can see things more objectively. I am taking stock of the damages and lessons learned.

Introspection is useless without context. I have returned to my context. It is a place where the value of things does not have a dollar sign. This is allowing me to see where my "treasure" is and what is worth protecting. There is a shoulder to lean on and someone who needs my shoulder.

My brother the ever so eloquent wordsmith, told me "You put the pussy on a pedestal." I must agree. I can see that fat, scared kid going to another new school who thought he was so lucky to have a beautiful, smart girlfriend.

It marvels me to think that someone for whom I would have killed or died to protect would so readily dismiss me. For not being supportive enough, wearing stained old jeans, or going to long without a haircut. Lets not forget trying in a not fun enough way to prepare for the future and going on and on about politics. As a friend at work said, "They only hear your snoring when they have fallen out of love". Those things are only excuses to provide a cover their real feelings.

Looking through old pictures and thinking of trips and time together, trying to see just where I changed, when I stopped being supportive or romantic enough. The threads all connect back to when my (our?) primary goal shifted to getting a degree to take a test. This along with the critical mass of friends to provide her full support.

Spring is here.

2010-03-21T21:30:00.001-07:00

Seeds and transplants are planted. Mom has a new pantry, living room floor, and a working porch light. Getting more things off her list. Dad's treatments are over and getting to be the time to set new goals.

Friends and family have come together to make the work light. It is nice to not feel alone and unsupported. It is good to know the simple pleasure of sitting around a fire and have no fear of what you say or hear.

Nothing like a goal and plan to provide a place for context and introspection.
Nothing like family and old friends to remind you how it feels to be loved.